Doppleganger

Jonathan Cruz is now a contestant on the CW’s “Beauty and the Geek.”  I hope he wins.

First Shots

Sammy got his first shots today.

Daddy did not like seeing his little boy in pain.  He cried like he never has before, and his eyes were filled with tears, and his whole body got red from the stress.  And it was hard on me?

He’s out like log now.  It was a hard day for my little man.

Struggles

I am losing faith.

Not faith in God. Not faith in Christ. I have as much faith in the way of Jesus as I ever have. It’s probably safe to say that I have more faith in the way of Jesus than ever.

I am losing faith in church. I am losing faith in Christians.

I know, I know: Christians are imperfect people. They’re no better than anyone. But Jesus said that the way that the world knows who we are is by our love for one another.

And churches split. Christians kill. Christians advocate for war. Christians ignore poverty. Christians ignore the environmental crisis. Christians lead the way in hatred of homosexuals… You get the picture.

At the same time I know that this isn’t the whole picture. I know that there are wonderful people doing the work of God in the world.

So what are we to make of the church?

My experience with the church is a mixed bag.  On the one hand, I have developed life long relationships based on truth, forgiveness, love, and hope.  My wife and I have enriched our relationship through the church.  We have seen many examples of what it looks like to live in a loving, self-sacrificial kind of marriage.  Many people in the church have invested in my life – from my youth minister, to my high school buddies, to my college minister, to people who volunteered with me in the youth ministry at WHBC.

But then there’s that other hand.   One of the basic problems in my experience is that church is entirely focused on the sustainment of the institution.  From tithing to programs – everything rests on “growing” our particular “family of faith.”  There has been little to no focus on impacting the surrounding community.  Sure, we want people to come, only so long as they come to our church and “get saved” in our church so we can grow.  And I have met the meanest people in church.  There are people in the church who hate.  You know, the ones who never have anything good to say.  Everything is negative criticism.  Not to mention the deep political divides within the church.  The church is more divided in terms of right and left than the American political sphere – you have fundamentalists, mainline liberals, emergent, reformed, catholicism, etc., and virtually none of them work together.  Blah.

I could keep going, but you get the idea.

In all of this, I have been struggling over the past few months about what it looks like to actually be the people of God, to actually participate in the life of the Kingdom.  And I can’t get over the feeling that the Kingdom of God does not exist in the traditional, institutional church of America.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I hope that I am wrong.  It’s just a feeling that I have.  And I certainly don’t have any answers.  I just have questions (and sometimes I don’t even have questions, just illegible inward emotions that drive me crazy).

And in all of this, I have been struggling with my place in the church.  I used to think that I was going to be a youth minister for 10 years or so, and then possibly do something else in the ministry.  I can’t go back to that.  I can’t bring myself to work for a system that is so fundamentally flawed.  But I’m still called.  I know that God has called me to “ministry,” as cliche as that sounds.  So I have no idea where to go from here.

I have a feeling of disgust towards church.  I can’t put my finger on it.  I don’t have any answers.  I just know that I can no longer live in the status quo.

Maybe terrorism isn’t so bad…

Sally Kern, a representative in Oklahoma, said that homosexuality is a bigger threat than terrorism.

Yes.  People strapping bombs to themselves and blowing up large numbers of people.  Not quite as scary as some man I don’t know who happens to be sexually attracted to another man.

God is going to punish us to be sure.  Who knows?  Maybe his punishment for homosexuality is terrorism.  Perhaps Rep. Kern should have made that connection.

This is the kind of thing that makes me hate conservatism.  I mean really, what good does that kind of a statement do?  And it’s not just the statement; it’s the whole way of thinking that just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.  Do you honestly think that if we were able to outlaw homosexual lifestyles it would get us somewhere?  Do you honestly think that homosexuality is a bigger problem than terrorism, a bigger problem than drug abuse, than violence, than poverty?  Really?  What it would really solve if we were able to pass legislation that outlawed gay marriage?

Oh wait… we have passed such legislation, and our problems remain.  Good job, fundies.

Over-arching question:  Why is it that Christians feel the need to enforce their morals/beliefs on others?  This isn’t a new concept (think Spanish Inquisitions).

Why can’t the church just be the church?  Why do we have to be hateful bigots?

Final question: which is more immoral – to live a lifestyle of homosexuality, or to live a lifestyle that is characterized by demeaning others who you don’t agree with?

Sleep Deprivation

It’s no wonder that people use sleep deprivation as torture. Being a new dad is a wonderful thing – I love my son more than I ever thought possible. And my wife and I have a bond that we never had before. But the lack of sleep has been a challenge to say the least. It seems that lack of sleep has been the main source of conflict between my wife and me over the past two months – whether sleep is the issue we argue about or whether we’re arguing because we’re just tired. And when you’re tired you’re inhibitions don’t work right and arguments can escalate. Needless to say, you find out a lot about yourself when you haven’t gotten enough sleep. You find out, among other things, how selfish of a person you can be.

But last night was revolutionary. Sam only woke up once at 2 am to eat, and he slept the rest of the night. Hopefully this keeps up. I find that I’m a much better person in general when I get a decent amount of sleep.

Yay for sleep.

Sam is 7 weeks old now, and I’ll be blogging again soon

We’re almost back to normal as Shari’s gone back to work and I quit my job at Ninfa’s. I’m going to be a stay at home dad and full time student until May.

[For more pictures, click on the Sammy page]

I’M DONE!!!

This semester is finally over!!!  God, it was hard, but now it’s done.

Whew.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Only 2 more days of class and 2 days of finals (of course, this is expanded into 2 weeks).  Until then I have to keep my priorities straight, so blogging is on the back burner.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and a time to rest.  I sure did.  I didn’t even think about class, and I didn’t go to work.  It was very nice.  Weeks like that make me thank God for Sabbath because otherwise I would lose my mind!

I Suck at Serving

So sorry I haven’t posted this week – I’ve been ridiculously busy. But I’m finally done with training at Ninfa’s.

Last night was my first time to actually take on a few tables – and right now I suck at it.

One table asked me what kind of drinks I would recommend – I know nothing about alcohol. I had to get Cameron (my trainer) to take over from there. Oh, and I messed up their order, too. She wanted ground beef on her salad – I ordered fajita beef.

I spilled charro beans on an old guy with a suit. He wasn’t very happy.

One lady wanted nachos – and instead of the regular cheese, she wanted chili con queso and rice on them without beans. Even though this was kind of a strange order, I got it right, except I forgot to exclude the beans.

I forgot about one of my tables.

I almost forgot to I.D. a girl who asked for a Margarita.

I’m better at Greek and Hebrew.

My Little Brother is a Stud (pt. 3)

Mesquite lost 22-14 last week.  That was a bummer.  It was a hard fought game by both teams, and Luke played really well.  They came up just short of the district title by losing to Longview by one score.

This week is the last regular season game and is even more important as they play Tyler Lee for the top seed in their divisional bracket.  Both teams are 3-1 in district, and whoever wins plays the lesser seed from the Dallas District.

Luke and Dad (head coach) pictured above.